Stupid Americans...

I've heard it a million times.

When you go to other countries, worldly sages always say, they're going to assume you're a "stupid American."

"Why, that's not fair!" I always reasoned. We didn't all vote for George Bush. Some of us do have some scratch the surface knowledge of world politics. And even a bit of geography. Who are these stupid Americans that are ruining the lot for the rest of us?

Meet: The Stupid Americans.

Pub Quiz Alias: U. Mass Debate Team (Say it out loud to achieve maximum sophomoric humor.)

When we went to pub quiz at Linen Hall this week, we were sure we'd stacked the deck in our favor. Our line-up, we were certain, was unstoppable. Just look at our various areas of expertise.

Carie: Irish History pre-1700, reality television, celebrity gossip, various uses and spellings of the world fabulous

Kerry: eccentric music selections, Anglo-Irish literature, local culture

Jay: third world dictators and revolutionaries, anti-Bushisms, flavors of beer, Italien culture

Ben: international politics, American sports, economic terminology

Jasper: Denmark, American football, saying things in, eh, Danish

Jon the Scotsman: British soap operas, soccer, Scot-Irish politics and history

Kerry and Barry: Irish pop culture, various tabloid news

Seriously -- how could we go wrong?

Not only did we go wrong (on several occasions), we finished dead last.

Against a team called, "Skateboarding for Jesus."

As we hung our heads low and slunk past the winning team, now merribly ripping bottles of Coors light from the case that their win bestowed, we patted each other on the back and suggested that it was, "Just because we were in another country."

Indeed, I'm not sure if we could've won in America.

We missed questions on football, the Fondas, Barbie, and U.S. foreign policy. We botched musicals, song lyrics, and Hollywood gossip.

We did, however, know the one country with the highest Muslim population in the world. Go figure.

Now, if our idiocy had been restrained to the classroom, I might not have reason to be ashamed. But, indeed, I find myself as an "American idiot" on a daily basis.

The first time I tried to answer a question in class, for example, I perked up with a "1792" when asked about an Irish law going into disuse. In reality, I was half right. It was null and void after 1792 but didn't go off the books until the 1980s. My professor, obviously sensitive to the ambiguity of the question and how much courage it took to speak up, simply stared at me and said, "WRONG," before launching into the right answer. My classmates are still tittering over that one.

Then there's the fact that I'm the only roommate that hasn't figured out how to heat their room, leaving my room the temperature equivalent of the Laplands in Norway. Or the fact that I can't seem to figure out how to operate the washing machines or measure the powder. (WHO MANUFACTURES LAUNDRY DETERGENT WITHOUT A CONVENIENT LITTLE SCOOP?)

And naturally, there's the fact that I was the only person at the campus concert last night that didn't know that a crowded dance floor means that everyone has to hurl themselves against one another in mosh pit fashion. (OK, that has nothing to do with being a stupid American. I just felt like complaining.)

So, to furthur educate myself on all things Irish, I attended an economics conference today headed by one of the political party's downtown.

I left after lunch.

I'm not sure why I thought, "Oh yeah, economics. Sure, I haven't studied it. Sure, it makes me dizzy. Right, I almost bombed personal finance. This will be so cool."

I think I'll try some musuems tomorrow instead.